Meine Blende
by littletrowa
Summary: My first serious angst Weiss fic. A multi-parter in progress, "My Iris" is about all characters at once, though it seems to center on Aya and Youji's disfunctions. Contains yaoi. If you want to read a fic dribbling w/ angst and unrequited love, here ya g
1. Eine weitere Schwäche- (a further weakne...

**_Meine Blende_**  
(My Iris) by LTS  


A songfic/multi-parter  
angst, drama, yaoi, plot; au  
**warnings:** PG-13 (so far)  
**spoilers:** in the timeline, and asuka  
**note:** this fic takes place during the series, after aya leaves weiss, except this time he not only leaves the team, but he moves out too. it may be AU, but it takes place after asuka (or neu) was killed by youji, as well. let's just say that aya's been on his own for several months now.  


created: 5/13/01   
updated: 4/18/02  
_  
Part One  
__  
Eine weitere Schwäche  
_(a further weakness)   
  


  
Reaching for the soft leather sheath, he paused, that noise starting up behind him again. The noise that put him on edge. He swallowed hard, not being able to see more then three feet in front of him. Someone was out.  
  
The apartment was small, tiny, rather. Only two rooms and it suited him fine. They all had their own ways, right? Youji and Omi and Ken could share the Koneko, and he could have his own place. They'd have more room, and he'd have more privacy. But ever since he had moved all his belongings, which wasn't much, into the apartment, he had been hearing noises.  
  
/No, there's nothing there. It's all in my mind./ He breathed heavily, turning to set the katana back on the small bedside table. A sound crashed in the hall, and Aya's breath skyrocketed. /Jesus!/ He breathed in the darkness. Better yet, maybe he should carry the katana with him.  
  
Over his shoulder, he positioned it and headed, fearlessly towards the door, his level of tolerance slipping. /Whatever it is out there, it is probably nothing more to get edgy about than the land lady./ Though Aya hated her. Right when he was about to reach for the door handle, another crash sounded, this time hitting the door frame, making it rattle and there was a heavy gasp outside. Aya stepped back from the door, pressing his heal hard into the floor.   
  
No, ever since Aya had moved into this tiny apartment, he had become paranoid.  
  
He shook the mental thoughts away and barred a mean look, reaching for the doorknob once again and yanking it open, before anything else could distract him.  
  
Aya's voice startled him, dark and breaking.  
  
A very shabby looking blonde stood in front of him, the black leather, smeared with the scent of rain and cigarette's.  
  
I thought you'd still be up Aya... He blinked rapidly, staggering forward, his hand slipping on the door frame. Aya sported a glare.  
  
Kudou... you're drunk. He was disgusted as Youji moved closer, falling into Aya's arms. Aya stepped back, letting Youji stumble into his room.  
  
Ah, not drunk! Just a little... tipsy is all! Aya still glared at him, and stepped back into the darkness.  
  
You gave up drinking. You told us all your promise.  
  
Eh, well... he sputtered, his hair flying in all directions with his head movements. His hands flew to his knees and he bent over in a momentary coughing fit.  
  
Should have known. You'd never stand up to hold something like that.  
  
Youji looked cross, and he met Aya's dark eyes, pressing a cold and damp hand against his shoulder.  
  
Now I didn't say that, did I?  
  
Aya could smell the musty sour breath of alcohol. Youji was definitely a little bit more than drunk.   
  
What happened? Aya said, stepping back so Youji lost his balance and was no longer touching the red head. But instead, Youji's feet failed him and he ended up crashing into Aya's arms. Aya's instant reaction reached forward and held Youji up.  
You smell like death himself.  
  
Youji chuckled, a muffled noise, that didn't sound familiar to Aya in the dark night, when there were no flower boys along to joke with him, at least, not anymore.  
  
It's all my fault Aya, he said, that simple smile still pasted on his face.  
  
/I'll never get out of here now.../  
  
Youji, you need to lay down.  
  
Youji shook his head in disapproval, but seeing bubbles and lights Aya had soon convinced him that his bed was the best thing. Youji sat up suddenly, clutching at his own shirt.  
  
Aya stood at the edge of the bed for a moment, barely looking down at Youji, reading him, like a book a young child would take from his mother and hide under his bed and read under the covers when it was lights out.  
  
You can stay here for the night, if you wish. I have my duties. I won't be back until morning...   
  
Youji swallowed hard, his voice choked.  
  
Aya... you don't have to give me your place... this was... all I could do. Dammit! I'm so weak... Aya stood silent.  
  
All humans are weak, Kudou. We all have our faults.  
  
K-Ken was asking about her again.  
  
Aya locked his look on the emerald eyed man.  
  
You know he won't forget her. And there's nothing you can do about it. It's in the past Youji. You shouldn't let it get to you...  
  
You don't understand Aya.  
  
Yes I do, he said in rebuke, sharply.  
  
Youji sighed, his own arms cradling around his shoulders.  
  
I just can't believe she'd dead, is all. I just can't believe... that Ken will find out one day... and hate me for it. He'll kill me. And if his look doesn't, I will.  
  
Aya stood silent. That's foolish.  
  
Youji grinned sadly up at Aya. You know I'm a fool, Aya. Yet you still say such a thing... I... just can't take the look in Ken's eyes. You know how I feel about him...   
  
Aya was silent. He knew very well how the blonde felt. Every hour, upon hour that Youji had snuck up to his apartment to babble about the brunette and the silent filled comments that Aya gave in return. It wasn't that Aya was jealous. No, far from it. It was just that every time he heard Youji say those words. Say anything close to the three words he knew that Youji felt for Ken, he could feel his heart grow cold. Maybe it _was_ that he was jealous. Just because, Youji was so close. He was so close to what he wanted. Even if Youji would never get a chance to tell the brunette, now that his girlfriend was dead. And it was all his fault.  
  
Aya nodded.  
  
You worry too much Kudou. You overreacted and got drunk off your ass. I answered your question. You can stay overnight. Aya turned his back to Youji, ready to leave, the door still wide open, letting in a small bit of light from the hallway.   
  
Youji groaned, the alcohol blinding his sight. Aya, wait. Please. Please tell me you'll come back in the morning.  
  
Aya didn't respond and started towards the door.   
  
Youji pleaded out again.  
  
Dammit Aya! We need to talk.  
  
Aya's hand was on the doorknob, pulling it shut.  
  
If you're sober when I return.  
  
And then complete darkness shrouded the room.  
  


  


Aya started down the hall on a very familiar bout. The hallway was dim and dirty, one of the only apartments Aya could find cheap enough to keep him and his sisters still going on now that he refused to take the checks assigned by Kritiker.  
  
Youji had hated to think of it as quitting. But that's exactly what Aya had done. Left his assassin life, left Weiß, for good. And there was nothing anyone could do about it. But somehow, the coldest member of the team could not find it in himself to leave the flower business. So even after he relocated himself halfway across the city, he still managed to make the shop each morning at 6 o' clock ready with the same old flower arrangements.  
  
And as far as the other remaining members knew, he was the same old Aya too. But they never did know much about him.  
  
The dark car wouldn't start. The dead pan buzzing noise repetitively sounding each time his key was jammed into the ignition. /Dammit, I'll be late./ Now Aya realized just how easily Youji had gotten wet. The rain came down hard and as soon as he stepped out in its path, it started to soak through his hair, making it two shades darker. He'd have to walk this time.  
  
  
The hospital halls were so pale, so sickly pale, and Aya felt nauseous each time he entered them. He drew himself down the long corridors until he reached his sister's silent room. The curtains were drawn, casting an amber light on her bed sheets, and across her arms and chest.  
  
The familiarity was gone. When Aya stepped up to her side nothing seemed the same. Their closeness was lost. He had become rather used to it, especially in the last week or two. Even his talks with her were short and detached.  
  
Hello Aya, his voice echoed silently within the hospital room walls.  
  
He stood beside her, looking down at her, the soft charcoal trendles of hair curling under her chin.  
  
It's been a while, Aya spoke, his voice so empty. I'm sorry, he continued. I should have been here sooner, but I got delayed. He lifted a hand to her cheek, but pulled it away just inches before actually touching her.  
  
***********************************  
And I'd give up forever to touch you   
Cause I know that you feel me somehow   
***********************************  
  
It's raining outside, don't you know? he seemed in a trance, as he traced his hand in the air down the surface of her body. It was beautiful really. You would have liked it. I saw your eyes in the moon. His fingers spread at her stomach, seeming to pause, press forward, but release again, just as he was about to touch her.  
  
he paused, quieter, playing her name over his tongue. I wish we could have walked through the rain tonight, together. There was a hint of pain in his voice at the end of his words. But it quickly disappeared as he touched her hand, unclasped it, and looked at the golden earring, shining just like new, and then pressed her palm back together again. His hands moved to her chest, where a dead iris lay, its petals dried and crushed. He gathered the remains placing them inside his pocket.   
  
Its nice being able to just walk, Aya. It's much quieter when I don't have to murder all night. Maybe its just safer, calmer for me when I don't have to be wary? he paused the tip of his sheath pressing gently into his back. I guess you're wondering why I still carry this around then, huh? the corner of his lip curled as he locked his violet gaze on her face.  
  
No! I'm not paranoid. Of what? A city full of demons I'm sure I could defeat with my eyes closed? he paused, looking at her, trying to analyze her face. Yeah, perhaps I should let my guard down, just a little bit? There's nothing out to get me, but I just can't help feeling overprotective... As if he waited for an answer, Aya quietly stared at her lifeless body, the steady beeps from the heart monitor causing him to sway steadily in lulled tiredness.  
  
he spoke softly, kneeling at her side. I only feel safe this close to you... I hope you feel the same... He pulled a slightly withered Iris from his front pocket, the rain having destroyed the petals. For you... his voice was so quiet one could barely hear it. He placed the iris against her chest, his lip trembling at the soft lowering and rising of her chest.  
  
I don't want you leave you Aya. It's so different out there. I'm empty without you. But the world is cruel. It goes on without you. Which means it goes on without me. Because I live within you. I can't stop any of it. So the least I can do is give you a piece of me to hold close during the day... everyday... because you'll always be in a part of me... He looked away quickly, stepping from the bedside and towards the door.  
  
Kaimin Aya-chan... he whispered, his knuckles white, clutched to his sides.*   
  
******************************************  
You're the closest thing to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now   
******************************************  
  
/I won't look back, not today. What do I believe in? You're so far away, but I won't give up. Not ever. Even if you'll never return my words. What does it matter?/ The door swung shut behind him and the draft of the hospital corridors brushed through his hair once again. /Another night, my Iris, another moment longer for you./  
  
_*sweet dreams_  



	2. Lügen- (lies)

**_Meine Blende_**  
(My Iris) by LTS  


A songfic/multi-parter  
angst, drama, yaoi, plot; au  
**warnings:** PG-13 (so far)  
**spoilers:** in the timeline, and asuka  
**note:** this fic takes place during the series, after aya leaves weiss, except this time he not only leaves the team, but he moves out too. it may be AU, but it takes place after asuka (or neu) was killed by youji, as well. let's just say that aya's been on his own for several months now.   


updated: 4/18/02  
_  
Part Two  
__  
Lügen  
_(lies)  
_  
_

He curled the sweater around his shoulders, shuddering in the dim light.   
  
The coolness of the rain and the draft in the room spread goose bumps over his body. He shook lightly, his own arms embracing his sides.  
  
I didn't think I'd get my hangover until later, he groaned rubbing his sore eyes, from squinting the night away. He also vaguely remembered moist tears running down his face. But maybe that was just the rain.  
  
Aya's got it all going for him. Maybe quitting Weiß would do me some good. Then Ken'd get a break from me breathing' down his neck. Youji's face was pale and he pulled his hands behind his head laying back on Aya's soft bed. It smelled vaguely like Iris', a smell Youji had begun to relate to Aya, in general. He had noticed Aya's flower arrangements changing quite abruptly, from the usual bouquet of roses to unusual combinations, though the customers still seemed to enjoy them just as much.  
  
The door was ajar when Youji looked back up again. The sun was also rising, painting soft yellows, pinks, and reds in the sky.  
  
Aya's trench coat was tossed over the back of a chair and Youji was faced with those icy violet eyes.  
  
Okay. What's up? Aya said blankly. Youji's eyes trailed Aya's form, soft beads of moisture laying in his hair and against the chest of his shirt.  
  
You know very well that this was gonna happen Aya.  
  
Aya barely nodded and he diverted his vision from Youji's pale face.  
  
And I knew that you could not handle the pressure, so your promise was pointless.  
  
What does drinking have to do with it? I killed his fucking girlfriend Aya!  
  
Aya looked unfazed.  
  
You took the risk to choose such paths in this kind of profession, you know. Ken will realize and understand that.  
  
Youji looked crossly back at Aya who was arranging a set of boxes on the shelf.  
  
You don't know Ken like I do Aya...  
  
/How many times have I heard that?/  
  
Ken really cared about her. She was his first girlfriend. /First love.../ Ken won't be able to take it without her. One time with her leaving was enough for him... Youji's hand busily wrapped against Aya's sheets. And when he finds out... she was my target and I killed her... that'll be enough from him to want me dead!  
  
And I guess you're gonna tell me next that you deserve it and if you weren't Weiß you would have never done it? Aya let out a long dramatic sigh. Or do you wanna stop lying Youji?  
  
Youji swung his head back, letting his hair fall against his cheeks, messily.  
  
It isn't that easy... nothing is. I can't do anything around Ken anymore. I can't lie, I can barely keep my feelings to myself-- and what's worse is I already annoy the heck out of him.  
  
Do you want to know the truth, Kudou? Aya's cold tone echoed back to the blonde's ears.  
  
  
  
Asakawa used Hidaka. It's plain and simple. She was our-- your target. Your mission was to destroy her before she destroyed the Kritiker facilities. You were doing your job and in the end, it really would have bettered Ken rather than hurt him. He would have found out sooner or later.  
  
Youji moved uneasily. But why'd I have to do it? It won't matter to him. He loves her. He won't care... and I did it, I killed her... The words felt like acid on Youji's tongue. /Just like I killed Asuka.../  
  
The way you talk, you'd think you never killed before...   
  
Youji showed no reaction and laid his head back on Aya's pillow, nausea rising against his throat.   
  
Really, though. I think there was a part of you that wanted to.  
  
A part of me that wanted to destroy the most important thing in Ken's life?  
  
Sou ka. There is no way you know that for sure. You can't read through Ken's soul. Youji shifted uneasily and Aya sat stiffly on the end of his bed.   
  
I wish I could... he'll hate me, forever, when he knows.  
  
I think part of it was your jealousy.  
  
Nanda? My jealousy didn't kill Yuriko!  
  
Aya sighed. You care about Ken and he cares about her. With her out of the way you won't have him oogling over her.  
  
That's not true. Ken will talk about her until he realizes that she's not coming back. And by then, what chances do I have? He'll be heartbroken and enraged... and its all my fault.  
  
Jealousy is just as dangerous as murder.  
  
/How the hell would you know Fujimiya?/  
  
Youji closed his heavy eyes against the tight knot in his throat.  
  
I just want to fade away, Aya.  
  
That would be pointless.  
  
I am pointless.  
  
No, you have a hangover. You need some sleep, without thinking Aya moved with one swoop, covering Youji with a layer of blankets.  
  
I can't sleep, baka, Youji breathed drowsily before his thoughts disappeared in a dreamless void.   


  
* * *  
  


Ken sat cross-legged at the edge of the sofa staring at the phone.   
  
Ring. Ring, dammit, ring!  
  
He gritted his teeth and picked up the receiver. Dial tone.   
This is just my luck. Oi.  
  
Omi walked in, his white apron smeared with grass strains and dirty water splotches.  
  
Ken-kun? You're not gonna spend the rest of the day with that phone are you? I need some help with the shop! It's almost opening time and Youji-kun and Aya-kun are no where to be found... Omi stopped babbling when he realized the look on Ken's face spat heartbreak.  
  
She hasn't called and its been two weeks, Omi. I don't know what to believe.  
  
Omi sighed and gulped, feeling the heat he dreaded slip into his cheeks.   
  
I know you're unhappy about this Ken-kun but ya gotta be patient and give her some time. Something might have happened to delay her visit...  
  
Ken's eyes were still directed on the quiet phone.  
  
Maybe I am overreacting then? Omi just shrugged, not knowing how to even react to that. He felt so guilty knowing this much about Ken's current girlfriend.  
  
There's nothing you can do if she won't call. Girls are weird like that Ken-kun!   
  
Ken sighed heavily and scrambled off the couch to his feet.  
  
I guess you're right...  
  
You just need to distract yourself, and there's a whole bucket of new import flowers in the kitchen! he teased, nudging Ken's elbow.  
  
Oh, thanks! Ken rolled his eyes, socking Omi in the arm and he sped ahead into the shop, forgetting her for the moment.  
  
As time passed and the hours rolled by, the phone finally rang. Ken sped across the living room, leaping over the couch, his hands covered in potting soil.  
  
Moshi, moshi, Kitten in the House... Hai, this is Ken... Oi, Aya. Heh, no, I wasn't expecting a call... his face tinted with blush and Omi stood in the doorway watching solemnly. Where're you guys-- Oh. Oh. You're car stalled? Another hangover? Jesus! Sometimes I wonder if Youji'll ever get alcohol poisoning... Eh? No. We'll be okay. Hai. Ja! Ken slammed the phone down on the receiver.  
  
Omi sighed, his eyes bright and wide.  
  
Not Yuriko?  
  
Ken shook his head. Aya won't be coming in today. He's trapped out of the city. It's fine though, but I have soccor practice with the kids at 8 o'clock. Hope that'll be okay... he wandered back into the main room his physical movements stalled and more brief. Omi held his breath, the sudden silent feeling welling up inside of him. Ken was his friend and this secret was burning a hole inside of Omi's gentle heart.  
  
Ken-kun? Don't worry about it... girls are funny sometimes.... she'll remember and call you eventully. Omi hated lying.  
  
Ken sighed. Omi was probably right, but it didn't help move his feelings on further, that's for sure. Ken stumbled into the shop, without saying a word to the younger blonde. As soon as he entered, almost at once, the door started ringing.   
  
Matte! I'm coming! he cried to the crowd of anxious girls. 


	3. Nasser Traum (wet dream)

A songfic/multi-parter  
angst, drama, yaoi, plot; au  
**warnings:** PG-13, hints to incest  
**spoilers:** in the timeline, and asuka  
  


[updated: 5/14/02]  
_  
Part Three  
__  
Nasser Traum  
_(wet dream)  
  


There was a field, dark purple mountains covering one side of the open area. The flowing dark hair cascaded down her bare shoulders and the pale blush turned her cheeks a glorious shade of rose. She turned her head at his hands, his cool gentle fingers caressing her upper arm.  
  
Onnisama, will you lift me into the water?   
  
The clear flowing stream near the grove of trees sent a rushing breeze through his red hair. He pulled it back with his hands and then let it fall again over his shoulders in a circle of red. Violet eyes blinked slowly and he reached out, lifting her light, weightless body into the breezy air, then he set her gently down in the pool of water.  
  
his face was flushed with silent passion, his hands not leaving her sides, fingertips barely brushing against her breast. He had waded down with her, the beige khaki pants clinging to his legs uncomfortably. But he followed her deeper till the water hit his knees and reached her waist.   
  
Her flushing cheeks raised with an ever gentler smile and she pulled close to Ran, his knees barely shaking at the sight of her.  
  
You're beautiful... he said, his voice quivering, husky.  
  
She blinked slowly, her lips curling at him and she bounced on her heels higher to brush a lock of stray crimson hair from Ran's face.  
  
You're shaking, Oniisama! Don't be so nervous!  
  
/Yes, I have no reason to be nervous... you are just my little sister.../  
  
But now Aya was closer, her breasts touching the black muscle shirt Ran was wearing. He swallowed a breath of air heavily, and she pressed against him, seeing his tight muscles tense, through the shirt. A small sunset of paint fell across his cheeks as she slid closer, gazing up at him with non blinking periwinkle eyes. And soon Ran's breath shuddered to a stop, realizing that her face was growing too near. His lips were so dry, so distant.  
  
/Oh god, Aya.../  
  
She was poised on her tippy toes, not bothering to take heed to the gravel in the stream, pushing against her feet. Ran felt himself subconsciously reaching down... down towards her. His lips tingling with his own apprehensive fear.  
  
She showed one last glint of cheerfulness and her lips touched his in a silent flow. It was like tasting rose petals and Ran melt into the oblivion of his own mind, kissing back, so gently that he felt as if he were barely touching her at all.  
  
*****************************  
And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
*****************************  
  
Ran didn't want to pull away, his fingers pressing gently on her bare shoulders, stroking her softly. He couldn't breathe, couldn't take in the oxygen; his mind and body, frozen with delight and fear. And then, she suddenly pulled back. She was the first one to breath and break the passion, as well as to start it. Ran blinked uncontrollably, his violet eyes burning into her. She smiled, raising her fingers to his moist lips, touching them lightly. Her dark hair curled against her jaw line, the echo of the afternoon sun framing her face in a circle of light.  
  
Aya-chan... don't leave me! Ran choked through clenched teeth, tears welling up in his eyes. But Aya must not have heard him. His voice was silent, embedded in his throat. He couldn't get the right words to escape, or any sound at all for that matter. His hand stretched out in front of him, his feet froze in the muddy water, stirring below him. She skipped away in the water, which splashed up against her bare body. Giggling happily, her hair flounced over her shoulders.  
  
Iie... Iie! Ran shouted. His calls were muted.  
  
**************************  
Cause sooner or later it's over  
**************************  
  
The sweat poured down Aya's neck and cheeks and he struggled in the humidity, sitting up in the awkward chair.  
  
/What happened?/  
  
He felt dizzy and moved in the recliner, noticing a snoring, sprawled blonde man, laying restlessly in Aya's bed.  
  
Oh... baka... in my bed. Aya shook his head, his mind still boggled from the dream.   
  
Youji, get up! Aya groaned, standing to his feet, glancing out the window at the same gray morning haze as the day before.  
  
Youji groaned, not stirring.  
  
What time is it?  
  
We slept the entire day! It's the next morning and I'm late.  
  
Youji quickly sat up in bed, his hair was on end and rustled against his face. He struggled to read his watch.   
  
Shit! The shop opens in half an hour! Omi and Ken are gonna KILL us!  
  
Aya sighed, pulling his trenchcoat from the chair's back and swinging it on his shoulders.  
  
Have any money, or did you spend it all on booze?  
  
Youji glared, then scratching his scalp, blinked over at Aya.  
  
No, why?  
  
Aya reached in his pocket and handed him a few Yen.  
  
There. Take the train to the Koneko. I'll meet you there in half an hour--  
  
  
  
I have to see Aya-chan, Aya said blandly.  
  
*******************************  
I just don't want to miss you tonight  
*******************************  
  
Youji sighed sitting up.   
  
all right, but you better not show me up!  
  
Aya simply nodded, already heading out the door and down the hallway onto the muggy streets.   


  
* * *  
  


Youji is staring at the beige wall, tears stained against his cheeks. His fingers scrape at the skin on his face. Smoke encircles his head, clinging to his moist hair, pulled back with red string.  
  
Fuck... Fuck it. I'll never get Ken. Not this way. Baka, Baka... I'm the fool. I'll never... get him, not now. /Just a playboy, just a murderer!/ His hands flew up to his face, scratching at his cheeks, jawbones, and eyes. His fingers sharply shred at his skin, bleeding underneath his hands.   
  
Youji shouted, leaping from the fire escape, down towards the brick wall. He started smashing his fists into it, his knuckles white, his bones cracking and pushing his skin raw at his fingertips. And again and again and again! His fingers bled, the blood spread across his hands, his knuckles cracking. He shouted out every time he made contact with the hard wall. His fury overwhelmed him. Gritting his teeth he kicked the wall too. Harder, harder! His eyes were bleeding, through the brutal feelings in his head. They watered from the pain, dripping pink streams down his face. He tasted the raw blood and panted, stepping back from the wall as the damage started sinking in. Yoji sputtered, fighting to keep control of his body. Hands leaned to his knees, panting... panting... his body ached.   
  
Youji sputtered closing his eyes, the blood and tears overwhelming him again.  
  
/I am so weak... so weak.../  
  
His throat was dry, bloody, and scratchy. He came down on his knees, coughing, sputtering, the blood swallowing him whole. Blackness filled his painful void and the playboy closed his eyes, his body giving out; so weak and spent.


	4. Geschraubt Herauf (fucked up)

A songfic/multi-parter  
angst, drama, yaoi, plot; au  
**warnings:** PG-13, a bit of sap... maybe, almost?  
**spoilers:** in the timeline, and asuka  
**note:** aya may seem a bit OOC here, gomen if he is, I just didn't have the heart to re-write him!  
  


[updated: 5/14/02]  


  


_Part Four  
__  
Geschraubt Herauf  
_(fucked up)  
  


How was your visit with Aya-chan? Ken asked innocently, his bangs swatting his forehead as he leaned over a fresh bouquet of freesia.  
  
Aya took a handful of Iris' to the sink to cut and wash the stems. Ken sighed, the heat getting to him and he rolled up his sleeves.  
  
You don't talk much about her anymore, I don't understand...  
  
Nor would you Ken. Just work.  
  
You know, Aya... I have problems in my life too. It isn't all free and fancy. With you gone from Weiß we have to rely more on Omi, and he gets worn out easily...  
  
Aya didn't answer, moving into another room.   
  
/Maybe I don't understand him, Youji. But I don't want to. He doesn't understand a thing. Especially me. I hate this atmosphere anymore. It's like he's blaming the problems in Weiß on me... Maybe... they are my fault./  
  
Ken sighed, moving to go wash his hands in the sink. Things were screwed up lately, especially with the upcoming mission that Ken had no idea about. It was a complicated job where they had to go into a private facility and crack a security code without getting caught and then have enough time to escape and get the artillery from the rooms.  
  
He sighed and leaned against the door frame of the room Aya had slipped into.  
  
So, what's Youji hiding from now? He spoke in a casual voice, crossing his arms and staring at the floor.  
  
Aya turned around quickly, glaring at Ken.  
  
What? Youji's not hiding...  
  
He didn't come in today, you know.  
  
Aya took a breath, thinking. Youji should have been in hours before he came.  
  
He snorted and turned his head.  
  
You think he's just being lazy as usual, or do you think there could be... anything else keeping him?  
  
He's just a fool. He's probably out getting plastered. When I see him... I'll notify him of what he's done.  
  
That won't do much. He's probably just following after your example. He'll probably quit Weiß too. Maybe he should.  
  
Aya stared at Ken. He was holding his own wrist, running his fingers against the veins there. Ken was acting strange. Did he know about Yuriko?  
  
There's nothing I can do. I have other priorities now, rather than Weiß. Aya was cold, and he turned his head, ready to go.  
  
Ken jumped, grabbing his arm, tightly. No! You didn't have to leave! Weiß is hard for all of us! You just gave up... we never gave up... Don't you understand? We've all been through so much... but you can't even stand up to this! Aya pulled his arm back, looking harshly back at Ken.  
  
Stop. I made a choice. I left. Maybe I did give up. But I don't need this Ken. Forget it.  
  
Ken let him go, watching his back with blurred eyes, blinded by rage. How could Aya do this to them? How could he walk by and watch them suffer?  
  
Don't you care... about other people? They're dying without you! /We need you Aya.../  
  
Aya didn't answer, he started through the flowershop and exited out the front door, the bells jingling as it shut behind him and he walked into the hazy rain. Omi had just entered the room with a recently potted cattelya.   
  
Ken-kun? Where's Aya-kun going?  
  
Ken walked past Omi, his fists clenched.   
  
Somewhere away from here.  


  
* * *  
  


***********************************  
And I don't want the world to see me   
Cause I don't think that they'd understand   
***********************************  
  
Aya escaped through the jungles of cool rain cascading down his body, sliding down the hem of his shirt and dripping against his cheeks. His hair plastered against his face and he didn't bother to shake it away, the small strands becoming string like.  
  
He had to get away, get away from the shop and those words. Ken's words hit him at an impossible rate. He shook his head, tasting the cool rain.  
  
It was true, wasn't it? He didn't care about the others did he? Selfish...  
  
Maybe people would die, but he couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to escape. No one understood. Maybe not even him.   
  
His hands were like ice. Then he started to run, like a wild boy running from his mother's reprimanding words.  
  
/I've got to get out... got to get out.../  
  
Weiß was falling apart. And even if Aya was the one who used to hold it together, he knew he could never go back. Too much damage. Youji was afraid too. Youji probably couldn't stand it back there, stand to face Ken's anger. And Aya saw it too, the ferocity in the boys eyes stung him. Or maybe that was just the cold rain turning into sleet.   
  
The park was empty when he reached it. Fallen rose petals scattered the ground. It was only Autumn and already it seemed as though the season were changing. Winter was closing in on the city, like a dark cloud, hurrying to suffocate it. Aya sighed and breathed heavily looking up at the sky, now white, covering the far away mountains and the horizon. It was so lucid, like his heart. Maybe he had no right to leave Weiß. He stood against a wet bench, looking out across the pond, empty and cold. His rigid fingers plucked at his front pocket, to bring out a small crushed iris.   
  
Aya-chan... I won't leave you... I won't desert you. Not like I deserted them. You know that right? His breath shuddered in his lungs when a hand thrashed against his back.  
  
the husky voice sounded too familiar and Aya turned around to see a pale, rather battered Youji.  
  
He said, half because he had surprised him.  
  
Is that for Aya-chan? Youji asked quietly, a small smile spreading across his chapped lips. He looked like shit.  
  
What did you do to yourself? Aya asked, anger in his voice.  
  
Eh, nothing that can't be fixed. It's nothing really...   
  
Aya pressed the iris back into his front pocket, catching Youji instantly when he fell against him.  
  
Bullshit. You can barely stand up.  
  
Youji coughed heavily, not able to look at Aya.  
  
I'm an idiot. Go ahead, you can say it. I couldn't... I couldn't take it anymore...  
  
You stood me up Youji.  
  
Youji shook his head, tears burning in his eyes, and he tried to turn from Aya.  
  
I can't go back there Aya. I can't see Ken again. I can't see the look on his face. I can't see that pain. I... I've ruined everything.  
  
He doesn't know yet, baka. You have to go back.  
  
Youji shook away from Aya's support. Angry, he wouldn't look at him and he wrapped his arms around his chest.  
  
No! Why should it matter? It'll just make it all the harder to bear... He'll find out... soon enough. It was a mission. And _*I*_ didn't have to do it... but...  
  
Aya grabbed him by the arm, harshly. If you don't go back, it'll get worse Youji. You have to face it...  
  
Youji turned in rebuke to stare at him.  
  
You go back then. Show me _just_ howeasy it is, hm? I love him, Aya! Youji sputtered as the sleet fell against his hair, turning it a dark brown.  
  
Aya was silent, staring back at Youji, not knowing what to say. The playboy looked horrible. Love must hurt this much, he realized.   
  
It'll look too obvious if you avoid it so much.  
  
Youji sighed, turning his head.  
  
I'm being ridiculous aren't I? he chuckled, you must think I'm so stupid...  
  
Aya admitted. You're brave Youji. More than you think. You can face it... and I can't. I... He took a breath. He couldn't finish that sentence. He couldn't explain it, less understand it. /I have to see Aya-chan.../  
  
*********************************  
When everything's made to be broken   
I just want you to know who I am   
*********************************  
  
Youji turned and sat on the wet bench, shivering.  
  
It's not your fault Aya. We're all fucked up one way or another.  
  
Aya's body shook as he gazed out across the pond, his vision blurring.   
  
  
  
Youji didn't look up. He held his wrist, the aching worse in the cold.  
  
You broke your body for him, didn't you?  
  
Youji nodded and shrugged, a small childish chuckle escaping his lips.  
  
I'm a kid Aya. He pulled out a cigarette. Got a light?  
  
Aya looked back at him, something in those violet eyes so distant. So far away.  
  
Who am I?  
  
Youji looked back, his expression blank, though he was shocked at such a question.  
  
I don't know. I don't even know who I am. I'm just a kid, foolin' around. But I think... I think you got it down. I think you're goin' somewhere, Aya.  
  
But where? Aya seemed to be pleading with him, looking confused as the sleet drenched his head, his hair.  
  
We're just driftin' Aya. We used to have Weiß. We'd kill, to survive... to help people... But, we're so selfish anymore, it's hard to save the others. I just... can't do this anymore. I can't kill my lovers. But hell, life's gotta go. I gotta go.  
  
Aya nodded to him, though he was still confused. His eyelashes were thick from the sleet.  
  
You gonna go back? Aya spoke through blue lips. Youji nodded and smirked, the scrape on his cheek curling up with his lips.  
  
Now how about that light?


	5. betäubter Static (dazed static)

A songfic/multi-parter  
angst, drama, yaoi, plot; au  
**warnings:** PG-13, ANGST!  
**spoilers:** and yes you will find out how yuriko was involved later on. it is all unfolding, my dears.  
**note:** there are a few flashbacks in this part, and I did not denote them in any apparent way, I hope it is written easy enough to decipher. as for the part with ken... rather than spoil it here, I will at least say that I feel he was still IC, because I feel that ken could very possibly react this way. all in all I believe he is the most intense of the boys, even more than omi... he has a sort of wildness they do not seem to have. ^^;  
  
[updated: 5/14/02]  


_Part Five  
__  
betäubter Static  
_(dazed static)_  
_4/9/02  
  


Ken's blue-green eyes reflected off the static of the empty TV screen. He was motionless, his feet resting on the cushions below him, sitting against the back of the familiar couch. But even *that* wasn't familiar now. He stared, unblinking at the fuzz in front of him. He sat so still, so silent that if his eyes were not open, he would have seemed dead.  
  
After a moment there was a tap behind him and a noisy yawn. Omi's footsteps echoed in the quiet mission room and the blue-eyed boy was soon standing on the left side of Ken.  
  
It's so late, Ken-kun. You don't suppose you'll be coming to bed soon? Tomorrow's Saturday, it'll be busy, you need your rest...  
  
Ken didn't move or answer. Omi looked at him for a moment, puzzled.  
  
Omi started, and then stopped again. A single line of blood trickled down Ken's jaw, from his mouth. Omi's eyes widened and he swallowed hard.  
  
K-Ken! What's wrong? Omi reached forward, touching Ken's shoulder.  
  
Ken immediately slapped it off.  
  
She's dead.  
  
Omi blinked rapidly, staring.  
  
he shivered at the icy look in Ken's usually bright eyes. Suddenly, in realization, Omi paled and felt nauseous.  
  
He... killed her.  
  
Omi was surprised at the last part, and he looked away from Ken, the guilt overbearing. Ken suddenly jumped from the couch and started towards the fuzzing screen. In a surge of anger he grabbed the large set and smashed it against the wall. Sparks flew and there was a loud explosion. Omi jumped back at the tremor that went through the small apartment.   
  
That fucking _whore_ killed her! Ken was enraged and he kicked the screen, even as the debris continued to scatter. Smoke billowed up and filled the room quickly.  
  
Weiß... Fuck Weiß! Screw this fucking world! Dammit! DAMN him! I'll kill him... I'll fucking MAKE him pay!  
  
Omi's entire body shook as he stared, motionless at Ken's fury. For the first time in his life, he was really afraid. Not a helpless, worried fear-- but scared to DEATH, for Ken. Ken panted heavily for a moment, facing the wall, then he stormed off up the stairs. Omi didn't dare run after him. A second later he heard a rattle of keys and the back door slam.  
  
Omi couldn't breathe, he couldn't swallow, and he certainly couldn't move. The smoke wasn't helping either.  
  
The debris in the corner caught flame and a small fire started spreading. It took Omi a few more seconds to realize that if he didn't act fast, the whole Koneko would go up in flames.  
  
Tears already suffocating him, he grabbed the extinguisher and started to spray the agent over the white flames. He couldn't help it, the tears fell in the dozens until he sat on his knees near the spent fire, sobbing uncontrollably.  
  
It had been a silent agreement. No one told Ken, because no one wanted to see this. It was cruel, and it hurt far more than he could have ever imagined. And now-- it was Omi who was forced to see Ken like this!  
  
He cried until his eyes felt raw, his nose running and his vision impaired.  
  
The small blonde boy didn't know what to do. He had never seen that kind of rage, that kind of power from Ken, not even during some of their nastiest battles.  
  
Omi shuddered, shaking so hard he could barely move his feet to stand. He felt paralyzed with fear and guilt. He moved towards the stairwell, but even with the fire out, the room was still thick with smoke.  
  
Omi finally grabbed hold of the side of the rail, when he suddenly couldn't breathe. Clutching at his chest, he fell unconscious in a scattered heap.  
  


* * *  


Omi's body ached. He shivered and leaned against something. The scene in front of him was a blurry mess of shadows and misshapen forms. Something brushed his forehead, a hand maybe?   
  
Ah, now you can see neechan! Would you like something to drink?  
  
Shaking his head, the young woman's face came into view. Dressed all in white. Omi shivered.  
  
No, no I'm not thirsty... where am I?  
  
She put a hand on his shoulder, gently, and smiling carefully she ruffled the pillow behind his head.  
  
You're at the hospital, Sir. You were brought here by a young man. It was good for sure, you had several unattended burns, that would have been worse if you didn't arrive when you did! Do not worry--  
  
Omi shot up in the restricting bed, shaking his fists at the young woman. Hospital!? Iie! Iie! I can't be here-- I... who brought me?  
  
Calm down... please, Sir? You'll reopen the stitches if you shift so much... she gently held him back against the pillows but he shook free again. A... tall man in a dark cloak... he brought you in, it was a good thing, she smiled softly and dropped her eyes to him, her cheeks tinted rose. You were unconscious.  
  
/Unconscious... dark man.... Aya.../ Omi swallowed hard, finally resisting her, and he closed his eyes, his sweaty head ruffled against the soft pillow. /How long was I standing there? Staring at the fire? Longer than I thought.../  
  
Can you... leave me alone for a bit? Omi's voice came out strained and the girl nodded quickly, bowing to him and scurried to the side of the room, blocked by thick white curtains.   
  
If there's anything you--  
  
I know. He said, his teeth clenched. He tried to sound pleasant but it was just to hard to form the right words with his mouth when his mind was distracted elsewhere. The girl, blushing still, vanished, leaving the curtains to sway with her silent motion.   
  
Omi froze against the chalky smell of the room and the sheets. His heart was pounding so loudly in his chest he felt he would pass out from that singular motion alone.  
  
/Aya... Aya brought me here? But he.../ Omi grit his teeth, now feeling the lacerating pain in his shoulder, around his wrists. He dare not open his eyes. /Did I... did I burn down the Koneko?/ Guilt circled his chest, ran his throat dry. /If Aya... if Aya found me there... against the ashes of our shop... our apartment... But I thought... I thought I put it out!/ His mind was a blur. Tears tore at his eyes, and he gasped for breath, not realizing until now that he was holding it in.  
  
K-Ken-kun.... Kuso... Kuso! Don't... do anything rash Ken-kun... Onegai... /I have to... get out of here.../ The white walls and starchy sheets were too clean for Omi's taste. He couldn't lay here while he knew the others were in danger. He couldn't let fate go by without attempting, at least trying. Through his breathless gasps he could hear other patients in rooms next to his, only separated by those thick curtains. The dull beeps of heart monitors and children crying in the distance. His heart ached.   
  
/How can I just lay back... I have to warn Youji... But would Ken overreact that much? Could he be capable?/ Omi finally opened his eyes, staring at the blank white of the room, through blurry tear filled eyes.   
  
Yes. Ken was capable. Omi couldn't deny it anymore. He had seen that rage. That rage that made Omi want to curl away from his once, strong companion. /I thought I at least knew Ken... the others have already strayed from me... now how can I possibly protect him?/ He lifted a finger to his cheek, brushing away at his eye, bringing it back to his face so he could see. A smeared splotch of red glared back at him. _Blood._ Ken's blood.   
  
/If anything happens... I can't stop it. It is my fault, after all. I didn't tell him... I couldn't tell him./  
  


* * *  
  


Traffic was at a stand still so late in the night and so he did not have to worry about weaving back and forth between the immense vehicles, hoping that as he gained speed he would not be sent reeling off a cliff side. But somehow, tonight did not matter. His helmet was missing, and the rain blindingly thrashed at his face, stinging as if each tremendous drop cut through his skin. Dark hair flung in all directions and it was a miracle that Ken could see the road in front of him.   
  
His motorcycle's roaring engine was nothing compared to the tight scream in his chest.  
  
_Faster. Faster. Faster! _  
  
Why had he decided that night that he had to be curious? That he had to wander downstairs, his gray shirt still stained with the mornings dirt...  
  
The TV had been on all afternoon, he had thought nothing of it, then.  
  
There was something eerie about the way the screen was staring back at him. Ken had reached down to see, why there was still a mission tape in the VCR. Half way out of the slot, the tape had stood out to him, as if _telling_ him to push it in, to watch, to see. It had been a while since the last mission, as far as he could remember. One was coming up soon, and curiously, _daringly_ he pushed it in, thinking it was a recap.   
  
But...  
  
_Asagawa, Yuriko....  
_  
_White Hunters, hunt the Demons of tomorrow's darkness...  
  
_...Why? Why had they kept it from him?  
  
Mortified. Mortified that his lover's face was on the screen... Mortified that when he finally got to see those eyes, they were being crushed down by Persia's endearing voice. Hunt her? Hunt _his_ woman? Why? He was Mortified until words could not reach his mouth, only silent, demanding questions that shook his body until he could barely breath.  
  
Then it was just the wind at his face, the road a blur beneath him. Ken stared through the thrashing rain, the gas pressed so tight that it felt as though it could snap from the pressure at any moment.  
  
She's not dead! She can't be.... Iie!   
  
_Denial. _Some sort of escape, right?   
  
/Just like Kase? I won't believe it! I won't accept it!/  
  
Distant blue-green orbs glared through the moisture. It was all some sort of trick. Some sort of lie, right?  
  
**************************************  
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming   
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
**************************************  
  
Something cold strained his shoulder and he lost grip on the handlebars of his bike. The wheels sped out of control and he felt himself crashing towards the railing.   
  
he snapped the handlebars back upright and tight to the right. Won't loose control of this too!  
  
...But something distinct had probed his mind back then...  
  
/But who? Who would ever do it? Not when they knew she was--/  
  
...Then suddenly, as he had sat there, he remembered something in an awkward jolt of anxiety. A strange conversation he'd had with Youji, weeks ago...  
  
Ne, Youji? I wrote out a grocery list... ya don't look busy, why don't ya go get a few things?  
  
No. I have plans Ken. No... no way, the playboy's eyes were dark and he turned his back to the other. Ken looked a bit surprised at the tone of his voice.  
  
Oi, well okay then--  
  
Wait, I'll do it. Nevermind the plans, no big. I'll go... Youji had spun on his heel suddenly, snatching the piece of paper. Youji's green eyes held that look of contempt and guilt, but he slipped out the door, before Ken could dwell on it.  
  
/So unlike the playboy.../  
  
Later Ken bumped into Omi, alone in the flowershop. Casually he asked about Youji's errand.  
  
Oh, that? Youji-kun's out because he accepted a mission.  
  
Ken had nodded, not caring to thinking at the time, and would not have found it strange, even now, except that he had seen Youji very little, ever since that day... and it wasn't as if he had been busy...  
  
  
...Ken drove into a clearing, the bright city lights fading against the dark rain clouds that surrounded the sky.  
  
/The others... they knew... it isn't as if the mission tape was only shown to HIM. Even Omi was in on it all along. And... even Aya as well? Godammit!!!/  
  
How could they keep this from him!?  
  
/I'll find him... I'll let him find out how it feels... I'll let him feel Yuriko's pain!!!/


End file.
